Something has to change – Part 2

I’m considering leaving the TPT.

In part 1, I talked a great deal about what got me to my spot today.  Here, I want to focus on the coming days and months in front of me.

I want to begin by saying that I love the Twitter Poker Tour.  When I was going through some of my darkest moments during that hell of 12 month period, the TPT was an escape from reality that I could count on every Thursday to simply enjoy a few hours.  It was something that I could look forward to each week. Something that I wanted to participate in, and gained enjoyment from the camaraderie among the group.  When I joined with Geoff in assisting to run the league with him and host the TPT Live Show, I was having fun, and didn’t mind the hours of work that went into it each week.  I enjoyed it, and it kept me busy and distracted, all things that I needed.

A little over a year has passed and there have been a few success stories that I can share with the TPT.  I enjoyed the trip to the WSOP.  I’m happy with all of the guests that we landed for our show.  And I’m grateful for all of the hours on the virtual felt with people whom I consider my friends.  But I look back at all of the  hours that I’ve invested, and I can’t help but think about why I did it.  I did it as an escape from my reality.  I did it because I had hoped that it would evolve into something that generates some kind of money. While it accomplished those things,  it’s also really swallowed several hours of my week without pay.  And I don’t know that I can really justify doing that much longer.

I’ve been stuck in this fit of depression surrounding my lack of a job situation, and scared beyond explanation as to where my next paycheck is going to come from.  As Traci and I have slowly bled through our savings, it’s reached an all time low, and it scares me.  I had always thought that if things went south, I could just walk into some McDonalds or something and flip burgers for some pennies.  But even those places aren’t hiring right now.

I mentioned that I’ve chatted about possible positions for the upcoming World Series of Poker.  But I have no guarantee that I’ll get one.  If I had to pick a position, I’d like to work with Jess Welman and Bluff Magazine.  I’d also like to work on the PokerNews Live Tournament Updates Team.  But neither of those gigs has any guarantee that they’ll be there in 3 months, and even if they are….I still have 3 months to go till I get there.  What am I going to do with myself for the next 90 days?

I have to find a job now.  I need something that will pay me something for the next 90 days so that I can live.  It’s pretty simple really, and not all that different of a situation than every other red-blooded human-being is in.  You need money to keep up your basic living.  But I’m needing to focus on finding a job, and I think that my delusions of having the TPT come to a place where I’m getting paid from it are just that.  I think it will forever be a fun past time.  I mean, the fact that our recent mass email and plea to have people offer suggestions for improvement yielded a total of 4 responses, and that we can’t seem to field of over 50 should tell me something.  Our audience is extremely small, and this gig is just that.  A guppy in a sea of whales.  But I can’t ever really consider it a job when the entity has never made any money.  In fact, all the gifts that the TPT have been given were immediately passed back to the players.  I’ve come out of pocket to fund a number of things, and that doesn’t even scratch the surface for how much Geoff has come out of pocket for this league.

I haven’t completely made up my mind on this one yet, and am still on the fence about it in many respects.  I still enjoy many aspects about the TPT, but I am more often than not failing to see where it is worth the time that I’m investing in it.  Playing with the group on Thursday’s is great.  Spending the time in prep for the show, finding a guests, and all of the other things that come from operating the league….well, that’s where I may cut back.   Unless I can be convinced that it’s worthwhile otherwise in the next couple of weeks, or if a Poker Media outlet knocks on my door with a definite offer over the next few weeks, I may decide to throw in the towel.   I guess I need to know that what I’m doing matters to people.  Because if it doesn’t, then….what’s the point really?